why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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