If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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