I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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