My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
No subtext here. People are naked.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize