I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
