I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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