Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
