On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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