My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
