so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
