tonight lets celebrate not being married
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
