I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
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I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!