I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
