I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
