tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.