I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
