so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
