just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
