woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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