I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
