Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
