My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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