Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
