from now on my penis is your penis
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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