hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
