I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
