I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
