I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
