Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
