come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
