"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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