ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
