Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
