PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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