you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
