i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
