Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
