Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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