you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
