Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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