I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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