Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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