She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
