There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
