two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
