i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
