a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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