I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
