Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
