Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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