This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
