Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
