that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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