I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she pinky promised me she was 18
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
