Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
