yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
