Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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