Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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