Well douche your snatch and let's go!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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