I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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